Friday, March 27, 2009

The Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington , DC - (Dateline February 18, 2009)

President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are
considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for
many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being
hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of
Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. "We can no
longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed
and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be
able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply
because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi
Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Democrat -
pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a
long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to
performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job
skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons
of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination
against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry
(68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state
government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an
excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created,
with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus
providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so
as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability
into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for
every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example,
discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or
experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who
have something going for them,"said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her
position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan ,
due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey."This
new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the
passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens
will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no
abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy
ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our
duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen,
regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take
up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."


3rdman said...

Dude April 01 is next week. Not funny!!!!!!

irishdutchuncle said...

as an employee of the postal circus i, i resent that. (i'm ruined for real work now) these people, (as you've described us) would have to be institutionalized at public expense otherwise. why not let us have the personal dignity that comes from being employed. ocasionally some assimilate into working, and become productive. in so doing they set a positive example for the children, who don't realize until they're teen agers what losers their parents are.

Mayberry said...

Dude, this is a joke, right? Right? Pleeeeze be right?????

shinerbock said...

LOL. You had me for a minute there. Almost lost my shit. I was thinking you have got to be kidding me! WTF? Then I googled it and saw a link to onion news. Good one though. I was about to give up completely.